Grad School Barbie

A new gift idea for your loved ones: Graduate School Barbie (TM).

Graduate School Barbie comes in two forms: Delusional Master's Barbie (TM) and Ph.D. Masochist Barbie (TM).

Every Graduate School Barbie comes with these fun filled features guaranteed to delight and entertain for hours: Grad School Barbie comes out of the box with a big grin on her face that turns into a frown after 2 weeks or her first advisor meeting (whichever comes first). She also has adorable black circles under her delightfully bloodshot eyes.

Comes with two outfits: a grubby pair of blue jeans and 5 year old gap T-shirt, and a floppy pair of gray sweatpants with a matching "I hate my life" T-shirt. Grad School Barbie talks! Just press the button on her left hand and hear her say such upbeat grad school phrases like, "Yes, Professor, It'll be done by tomorrow", "I'd love to rewrite" and "Why didn't I just get a job, I could have been making $40,000 a year by now if I had just started working with a Bachelor's. But noooooo, I chose to further my education, I wish somebody would drop a bomb on the school so that I'd have an excuse to stop working on my degree that's sucking every last drop of life force out of my withered and degraded excuse for a soul..." (9V lithium batteries sold separately)

Grad School Barbie is anatomically correct to teach kids about the exciting changes that come with pursuing a higher education. Removable panels on Barbie's head and torso allow you to watch as her cerebellum fries to a crispy brown, her heart race 150 beats per minute, and her stomach lining gradually dissolve into nothing. Deluxe Barbie comes with specially designed eye ducts. Just add a little water, and watch Grad School Barbie burst into tears at random intervals. Fun for the whole family!

Other accessories include:

Grad School Barbie's Fun Fridge (TM) Well stocked with microwave popcorn, Coca-Cola, Healthy Choice Bologna (99% fat free!),and a small bottle of Mattel Brand Rum (tm).

Grad School Barbie's Medicine Cabinet comes in Fabulous (pepto-bismal) pink and contains Barbie sized bottles of Advil, St. Johns Wort, Zantac, and your choice of three fun anti-anxiety drugs! (Barbie Medicine Cabinet not available without a prescription).

Grad School Barbie's Computer Workstation. Comes with miniature obsolete PC (in pink of course), rickety desk, and over a dozen miniature Mountain Dew cans to decorate your workstation with (Mountain Dew deposit not included in price. Tech support sold separately).

And Grad School Barbie is not alone! Order now and you'll get two of Barbie's great friends! GRADUATE ADVISOR KEN, Barbie's mentor and advisor in her quest for knowledge, higher education and decreased self esteem.

Grad Advisor Ken (tm) comes with a supply of red pens and a permanent frown. Press the button to hear Grad Advisor Ken deliver such wisdom to Barbie as "I need an update on your progress," "I don't think you're ready to defend yet", and "This is no where near ready for publication."

Buy 3 or more dolls, and you can have Barbie's Thesis Committee! (Palm Pilot and tenure sold separately.)

REAL JOB SKIPPER, When Barbie needs to talk, she knows that she can always count on her good friend Real Job Skipper (tm), who got a job after getting her bachelor degree. Press the button to hear Real Job Skipper say, "Sometimes I wish I went for my masters degree" and "Work is so hard! I had to work a half an hour of overtime!" Real Job Skipper's Work Wardrobe and Savings account sold separately.

WARNING: Do not place Grad Student Barbie and Real Job Skipper too close to each other, as there have been several cases of children leaving the room and coming back to find Barbie's hands mysteriously fused to Skipper's throat.

Originally posted at http://ceejandem.blogspot.com/

Book from: http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Your-Stupid-Decision-School/dp/0307589447#reader_0307589447

Grab Your Shovel!

The digging out of my hole continues…  At least there is some light down here now.

Photo: www.coolclips.com 

The 9 Best Anti-Co-Dependent Phrases to Memorize Today

9) Every behavior has a consequence.

8) Failure to plan on your part does not create an emergency on mine.

7) What can we do differently next time?

6) You have the right to feel that way, however, you must express your emotions in a manner that is respectful to yourself, to others, and to property.

5) I understand.

4) That’s your choice.

3) It is what it is.

2) I’m sorry you feel that way.

1) No.

Light Bulbs and All of That

I have blamed you for hurting me and for your inability to get your priorities in order.  The thing is, I have been doing the exact same thing.  Only it looks different.  I had my junk dressed up in disguise, hiding behind pretense, perfection and religion.

But it’s all the same.  Wrong.

Can I Get Through This Somehow?

I don’t know why the grief stage comes months after the separation/divorce.  Maybe it’s because I was in shock.  Denial.  Overwhelmed.  Distracted. 

Or, maybe it’s because I can handle it now.  At least, I hope I can.

I'll Sleep When I'm Dead

There are days when you could ask, “How many times did the baby wake up last night?  And normally I will answer in the 1-3 range.

Then, there are days when you could ask, “How many hours of sleep did you get?” And I could say something between 5 and 7.  On a great night, 8.

Then, there are the days, like today, when you should ask instead, “How many combined minutes of sleep did you get?” And I would say something like “17.”

Photo: http://joyerickson.wordpress.com

Ooh, This Doesn’t Look Flattering On Me

Coming out of my denial not only made me admit that my life is out of control and looks nothing like my Fantasy Land version, but it’s also opened my eyes to the fact that I try to control things.  And people.  And circumstances.  And outcomes.

I just like it better when I can have some sense of knowing what, when, where, why. 

Hmmm… I think I’m starting to piece this puzzle together.  What else would I get from trying to control everything than a lap full of chaos?

Photo: http://www.howaboutwe.com/

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Healing

I have realized that anger is energizing and grief is draining.

Photo: http://www.featurepics.com

There’s Gotta Be Something More

Sometimes I think that my life should be a lot better than what it is (remember Fantasy Land?).  After all, I’m a good person.  I help people.  I don’t cheat or lie or steal. 

But then, what would I write about if my life was great? 

So now there’s this question:  Why have I always been so content to stay with yuck?  

Wait.  There’s more…So, ok, these questions… What’s up with the circus life?  Why can't things be normal?  And, why am I more comfortable with chaos than with peace?  I like peace!  So, what gives?

Photo: http://www.harmonicflow.com

Your Love Is My Drug

Can someone be addicted to a person?

Photo: http://www.beltina.org

I Think I Prefer the Anger

I dug through the denial so that I could be engulfed by enormous amounts of anger. 

I faced the anger only to be slapped upside the head with an overwhelming sadness.

So now I must bravely face the pain and wait for what is next.

Just Another Day in Fantasy Land

In Fantasy Land, life is grand. Daisies bloom year 'round... and I don’t have allergies. Chocolate has negative calories and grows on trees.

In Fantasy Land, it never rains and I’m married to my True Love forever.

photo credit: flickr

RU N2 Me?

I signed up at an online dating site.  A couple of them, actually.  I didn’t have the best of luck my first time around at online dating years ago.  I was a Trend-setter.  An industry pioneer.  A Revolutionary.  (No really, I got a lot of grief for that article, as online dating was in its infancy stages and I was considered a weirdo for doing it.)

But, I figured things have changed.  Both the online dating scene and I have matured.  We’ve learned from our experiences and now it’s time for us to reunite.  This time, however, I thought that I wouldn’t be looking for Mr. Right (or even Mr. Right now, for that matter).  Just looking.  “Looking” as in keeping my eyes and ears open to what’s good, what’s not so good, and anything in between.  I wanted to use this experience as my “growing relationship,” as Fisher and Alberti say in their completely awesome book, Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends.

So, let me just give you the abbreviated version of my cyber-experience:

No to the dude with the “My Name Is Earl” mustache. 

No to the guy who wants the Proverbs 31 wife (nice thought, but I can read between the lines, Control Freak). 

Uh, no to the man who used his 1990 Olan Mills family portrait (with his wife cut out) as his profile pic.  (Really, dude?)

Ppffttt… online, schmonline.  Well, back to reality…

Photo credit: http://www.channel4.com

How Cute, You Tried

I love my boss.  He’s a too-cool-for-you-hipster and master word smith (no… ninja).  He is amazingly busy, yet always approachable.  He gets things done, but doesn’t forget the human aspect of business (yes, college is a business- never forget).

But, he often looks at me the way a parent looks at a young child who is learning how to dress himself but hasn’t quite mastered the art of matching his clothes.  You know, the “how cute, you tried” look.   

I don't know what to make of this.  Strangely still, I find it endearing.

Reflection

I’m learning that my anger is a secondary emotion.   It’s covering up my pain and grief.  Anger is also a response to my inability to control someone else.  I can’t make someone love me, act the way I want him to act, do something I want him to do or stop doing something I don’t like. 

But I have spent a great amount of energy trying.  This only leads to frustration.