Crazy Talk

Me: You filed for divorce?

Him: Yeah, I filed for deh-vor-ess, but I want to still date you.  And then, if things work out and we get married again, we can do a prenup.

Huh?  What?  This boy must have sustained a head injury.   Nevertheless, here I go with my crazy making crazy talk in my crazy little head…

He is still interested?! I don’t want to lose him or our marriage.  Maybe we can date?  People get remarried to each other all the time.  If we stay in each other’s lives, we have a chance of reconciliation.  Wait-- I know what he means by “date.” So he wants the fun of marriage without the responsibility.  Why does this surprise me?  He’s already made this clear.  For years, he has made this clear.  But, if I don’t “date” him, he will “date” someone else- soon, I imagine.  If I say no to this, it’s over.  God, I don’t want it to be over.  But why don’t I want it to be over?  We were married, but we didn’t have a marriage.  It was only a lopsided adventure in ‘how can I avoid conflict and how can he avoid being anything this side of decent’.  And he wants a prenup next time?!  A freaking prenup?! When have I ever wanted his money?  Is he delusional? Paranoid?  On drugs? 

And that’s how it went.  I was working myself into a Jerry Springer brawl.  (You know, where I rip off my shirt and throw a chair at someone.) I had to get a grip. 

I took a breath and said:  No.  That’s not how it works.  We were supposed to be working on our marriage, (“dating”) during the separation.  But you filed for divorce.  Aren’t you the “black or white” thinker?  You are either in or you’re out, right?  I don’t want to date you.  I married you.  You have chosen to walk away from that.  I have to protect my heart above all else.  So, no I don’t want to date you.  I actually don’t even want to see you again.

Yes, it’s true: I managed to finally stand up for myself and spit some words of self- respect out of my mouth.  Let this day go down in history.

Oh, you want to know what happened after I hung up the phone?  Well, I sat there and did this weird combination cry-laugh thing for a minute.  Then I cleaned the house. 

“No” can be a very empowering word.